Since pretty much everyone I know has read these books, I figure reviewing them is pretty pointless. But with the new book coming out in a couple of weeks, I have to go through them beginning to end. To make the reviews more entertaining, I will be doing them in a variety of unexpected formats. For this review, I will be writing as play-by-play color commentary.
TYCHO: Good evening and welcome one and all to another great Harry Potter match! I'll be your commentator tonight...
MSHADES: And so will I as we see if the Boy Wizard, the Prince of Prestidigitation, the Bolt from the Blue, your favorite and mine, HARRY POTTER can win out another battle against the Vile, the Vermiform, the Virulently Vindictive Viscount of Villainy, LORD VOLDEMORT!
TYCHO: Careful with that name there, M....
(SFX: Bell)
TYCHO: And it's round one - Potter fakes behind Mr. Dursley, dodges Dudley and oh! He's down! He's holding his head!
MSHADES: Looks like his old wound is playing up there! As longtime fans know, he was wounded in his first-ever match against Voldemort, which he won on a technicality, but it's bothered him before. Boy, that looks like it really stings, doesn't it?
TYCHO: You bet, I wonder how - it's the Weasleys! The Weasleys in for the save and Dudley is down! And Potter has managed to make his way out of the Dursley stage of this summer's match-up!
MSHADES: Good thing those Weasleys showed up, too, I was beginning to worry for Harry's safety there....
TYCHO: No need to worry - he's been successful in getting out of the Dursley Formation before, though if you remember last year it took some doing.
MSHADES: You bet it did - a lot of people were predicting the end of his winning streak there. Lucky for him he managed to squeak by. Think he'll have the same luck this time?
TYCHO: That's the thing about this game, M - you never know what's going to happen. But let's get back to the action! Potter gets a quick time out and a little Quidditch action. These lulls in the game are few and far between, so I hope Potter is able to HOLY COW it's a Death Eater! Death Eaters in a shocking play from Lord Voldemort, who has so far managed to keep himself safely out of the offensive lines. This is, this is just shocking.
MSHADES: Absolutely shocking indeed. Voldemort is sticking to his usual strategy - send out the foot soldiers while he stays safe behind heavy defense. I'll tell you, that kind of strategy is great for keeping yourself from being scored on too often, but it's no way to win a game.
TYCHO: You're absolutely right there. Voldemort will have no chance of winning this thing unless he makes a bold move, and this showing by the Death Eaters might just be the beginning. Let's get back to the match - I see we've moved venues back to Harry's old stomping grounds, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - here there is no doubt that he'll have the home field advantage.
MSHADES: That's right, so far in his matches against Voldemort, Potter is two-and-oh while on his home field. He knows Hogwarts like the back of his hand, and he has an excellent team there to back him up.
TYCHO: Speaking of which, let's take a look at the lineup for tonight - we have that usual starters, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, with Dumbledore playing defense and - wait, it looks like there' s been a change in the lineup from last time - Mad-Eye Mooney, a recently signed player has moved into defensive point. He looks a little... unconventional, but with the loss of both Sirius Black and Remus Lupin from last season he'll have his work cut out for him.
MSHADES: Indeed he will, although I have it on good authority that Black still has ties with the franchise and is available to substitute if necessary. We'll see - at this moment, it's anybody's game!
(SFX: bell)
TYCHO: And it's round two! Potter, Granger and Weasely are moving into standard formation, and - wait! Wait! This isn't the standard formation! It looks like... are they doing....?
MSHADES: I think they are! It looks like they're going for the TriWizard play! A risky one, that, one that no one has pulled off in years! This will, of course, require them to bring in extra players. And here they come now, from the French and German leagues! Good luck to them all - I have to admit, Voldemort will have to do some quick thinking to get ahead of this one, won't he?
TYCHO: Indeed he will, but looking over at the Coach's table he doesn't seem to be too bothered. Wait, there's some action down on the field - the referees seem to be arguing about the rules, it looks like we have an extra player - it's Potter! Potter is in the TriWizard formation! That's a clear violation of the rules of the play, isn't it?
MSHADES: It sure is - the rules say that there can be only one player from each league - there'll be hell to pay when we find out who got Potter in there. But it looks like.... yes, the referee is signaling that there can be no changes made at this time. So it looks like it'll be Delacour, Krum, Diggory and Potter!
TYCHO: I'm noticing some action over on the Hogwarts team, here. It looks like Potter and Weasley are - no, no, they're fine. False alarm there. Let's move on to the action! And the first TriWizard play has started - dragons! Some nice moves from the French and German teams... oh, that looked like it hurt! I hope Diggory's luck improves! And now Potter.... Potter swoops down.... and he scores! That's excellent work from the Hogwarts team!
MSHADES: It seems that Team Voldemort is using this time off to do some conferencing. I can't tell who all the players are - Voldemort's contract with the League unfortunately allows his players some measure of anonymity, but unless I'm mistaken there's a silver-haired devil in that group....
TYCHO: If you're accusing Lucius Malfoy of what I think you are, I suggest you refrain from such wild speculation if you know what's good for you - he's a famous player of Hardball and I don't want to be anywhere near you if he comes looking for you after the match.
MSHADES: I wouldn't worry too much about it. He's a stuck-up little gi - OH! Granger and Krum pull off a double play against Potter and Weasley! That kind of team infighting will probably cost them points in the long run. Shame on Miss Granger for such behavior! But then she's always been one of the more unpredictable members of the team.
TYCHO: Yes, she has, but her contributions are overwhelmingly positive in the long run.... Okay, moving on - Potter to Granger, back to Potter to Hagrid - HAGRID FUMBLES! You'd think someone that big would be able to hold on a little better!
MSHADES: Well if the captain of the French team wasn't interfering I'm sure he would.
TYCHO: I'm not sure that's it... the referees are talking and... Rita Skeeter gets a yellow card!
MSHADES: Skeeter? Here? Where's she been hiding, I never even saw her on the field!
TYCHO: Well that's her usual play, isn't it - show up where you least expect it. And now on to the swimming competition.... They're off!
MSHADES: Oh! What on Earth has Krum done to his head?
TYCHO: He appears to have changed it into a shark! Not sure what good that'll do him, but... Delacour is out of the water! She's missed the goal and she's out of the water! This will cost France dearly. And here comes Potter and Diggory - both with overtime penalties. Too bad, but now Potter and Diggory are tied for the lead!
MSHADES: And over on Team Voldemort we seem to have some action - more players are being called off the bench and put into play, at least one of them seems to be lurking over near Hogwarts territory - we're likely to see some interference before too long unless Dumbledore can rally his defenses to... wait, what's going on with Mooney?
TYCHO: I don't know - he's making some strange plays out there, not what you would expect from the defensive team. Dumbledore had better rein him in, but he doesn't even seem to notice!
MSHADES: There's a lot of talk about keeping Dumbledore on defense, actually. He's done fine work in the past, but there's some talk around the office that he might be let go as early as next season, maybe the one after that. Only time will tell on that one, right?
TYCHO: That's right. Now we're moving into the third round of the TriWizard play - it looks like a fairly complex series of plays going on here, but the winner of this stage of play takes home the cup and the glory! They're all in now, Potter and Diggory have the lead... wait, it looks like Team Voldemort is finally making its move - we have one of their players on the field.... Delacour is out! And now - Krum! Krum is out! This is amazing, have you ever seen play this vicious!
MSHADES: No, no I haven't, and let me tell you I'm thrilled to finally see some new moves on the field! It looks like Team Voldemort has finally decided to join the game as we go into round three with Potter and Diggory tied for first.
(SFX: bell)
TYCHO: And we're in round three of Potter versus Volde - DIGGORY'S DOWN! My god, that was fast!
MSHADES: That was Voldemort showing his classic "No Mercy" play, one he's been holding off on until now. It looks like, after three seasons ol' Voldy is finally ready to start being serious. And Potter is up against some heavy offense here - Team Voldemort has effectively isolated the Boy Wizard from his defensive line and they look ready to just run him over. I'd have to say this game is all sewn up, wouldn't you?
TYCHO: Absolutely. This is classic Voldemort - let the other team wear itself out, separate people from the defense and just knock 'em out. It looks like Potter is going to see the end of his three-zero shutout against.... wait, what is this! It's.... I never thought I would see this kind of play as long as I lived! It's the Wand-on-Wand Power Play!
MSHADES: I had no idea this would happen, none at all. This play gives Potter extra minutes on the clock and some defense off the bench to give him time to escape Team Voldemort's offensive line. And.... POTTER CLEARS IT! Potter weaves around Pettigrew, dodges Voldemort, evades Voldemort's ENTIRE OFFENSIVE LINE and returns to Team Hogwarts territory! That was amazing! This is a play that will go down in history, ladies and gentlemen and you can say you saw it here!
(SFX: whistle)
TYCHO: And that's the game! Another amazing match between two formidable captains, Potter and Voldemort.
MSHADES: Indeed it was, a fantastic match that blew away all expectations. The scorekeepers are calling this a draw - there's been points gained and lost on both sides, and now both teams will take a break to strategize. I reckon Potter is going to need to beef up both his offensive and defensive lines if he wants to have a chance next season.
TYCHO: Absolutely. Looking back, I'd say he had a lot of luck in the last few seasons, but this match proved that luck can only take you so far. Now we need some more brains and brawn in equal measure.
MSHADES: If I had to guess, I'd say that the next season will hold even more surprises. Until then, I'm MShades....
TYCHO: And I'm Tycho, and we'll see you next time...
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